NOW COMES Plaintiff, HOLLY D. CHRISTMAS, plaintiff in this action, and files this her Complaint for Divorce against RURAL B. CHRISTMAS, defendant, and respectfully states for the Court as follows:
That Plaintiff, HOLLY D. CHRISTMAS, is a resident of Gingerbread County, residing at 25 Hallmark Lane, Snowflake, NY 12250.
That Plaintiff, HOLLY D. CHRISTMAS, has resided in the state of New York for at least one hundred eighty (180) days immediately preceding the commencement of this action, and has been a resident of the county of Gingerbread for at least ten (10) days prior to the filing of this Complaint.
That the parties were duly and legally married in Snowflake, NY, on December 25, 2017, by a wise old twinkly-eyed gray-bearded man who may or may not have been Santa Claus, who is nevertheless and regardless of whether said agent may or may not be Santa Claus duly authorized by the state of New York to perform marriages.
That the parties have been married for approximately one hundred and eighty (180) days.
That Plaintiff’s name before the marriage was HOLLY D. BUSINESS and her name presently is HOLLY D. CHRISTMAS.
That Defendant’s name before the marriage was RURAL B. CHRISTMAS and his name is presently RURAL B. CHRISTMAS.
That Plaintiff, HOLLY D. CHRISTMAS, and Defendant, RURAL B. CHRISTMAS, separated in or about March 2018 and are no longer residing as husband and wife.
That there was one (1) adorable precocious child who loves Christmas and just wants to celebrate the way she used to with her biological Mother, now deceased and who Really Loved Christmas, born to the defendant RURAL B. CHRISTMAS and his dead wife, hereafter referred to as DEAD WIFE WHO REALLY LOVED CHRISTMAS, prior to the marriage, to wit: NOEL B. CHRISTMAS, Born December 25, 2010, age 8.
That there has been a breakdown in the marriage relationship to the extent that the objects of matrimony have been destroyed and there remains no reasonable likelihood that the marriage can be preserved.
That the defendant or agents acting in his interests caused the plaintiff’s brand new Lexus RX F Sport SUV to lose power in front of Miss Blitzen’s Old Fashioned Christmas Cookie and Cocoa Café, effectively stranding her in Gingerbread County for an undetermined length of time that has extended into present filing date.
That the defendant has regularly and with malice disregarded and attempted to sabotage the remaining vestiges of the plaintiff’s high powered business career in The City by the following and more actions: throwing her mobile phone into Lake Mistletoe; expounding on the merits of ice sculpting, ice skating, ice fishing, homemade Christmas decorations, cutting down Christmas trees, carpentry, horse-drawn sleighs, small town Christmas traditions, the reboot of the television show The Gilmore Girls, hot cocoa, non-alcoholic egg nog, North Face winter coats, Christmas carols, Christmas caroling, candy-canes, Burl Ives, and closed-mouth kisses; redirecting any and all attempts at professional advancement toward "saving the card store," the preservation of old movie theater, the continued existence of Miss Blitzen's Old Fashioned Cookie and Cocoa Cafe, and "good country people."
That the relationship was entered into by HOLLY B. CHRISTMAS, then known as HOLLY D. BUSINESS, on fraudulent grounds and under duress that has not curtailed over time and has effectively resulted in a situation that addresses the state of New York’s requirements for the conditions of false imprisonment. To wit:
i. On or about January 20, plaintiff attempted to remove the Christmas tree from the family’s shared domicile at 25 Hallmark Lane, Snowflake, NY 12250, a situation that resulted in the defendant not only replacing the tree but cutting down and adding three (3) more Christmas trees to the family living room and one (1) in the couple’s then-shared bedroom, and threatening to leave them there “until somebody gets some gosh-darned Christmas spirit.”
ii. On or about this same time, defendant threw plaintiff’s Dell XPS fifteen inch 2-in-1 laptop into Lake Mistletoe.
iii. Soon after the incident mentioned above, defendant had all internet access removed from the house, cancelled the DirectTV subscription, and threw her 11 inch retina display iPad Pro into Lake Mistletoe. .
iv. Plaintiff notes that on three (3) separate occasions she has found access to automobiles and attempted to return, either permanently or temporarily, to The City. On each occasion roads have been suddenly and mysteriously overtaken by snow and she suspects that defendant or his agents or wise old twinkly-eyed gray-bearded man who may or may not have been Santa Claus have played a role in this phenomenon although she is unclear exactly how this could be the case.
v. Plaintiff asks Counsel to note for the Court that she is no longer sure that the town of Snowflake “really exists,” if her life in The City was “just one weird mixed up dream,” and whether it is normal for normal American adults in their thirties and forties to drink more cocoa than wine.
That the plaintiff’s intimate gestures and sexual advances have been universally and consistently disregarded by the defendant as “not very Christmasy” and as such their union has been consummated only by one (1) closed-mouth kiss on the occasion of their wedding.
For the above-mentioned reasons, plaintiff asks the court to grant her a divorce from defendant and an equitable division of property, excluding Christmas trees, candy canes, blow-up snowmen, mistletoe, mangers, sheep, wise men, gingerbread houses, partridges, pear trees, golden rings, star ornaments, decorative holiday lights, artificial snowmen, wreaths, stockings, poinsettias, and all other holiday ornaments and ornamentation, which will be retained by defendant.